Marriage Challenges - FQA
- Concerns and questions related to WICCA
- Related to Human Sexuality
- Chronic Gambling, Personality Disorder and Divorce
- Resources for Conflicted Couples
- Ordination and Marriage
Question: "I wanted to ask your advice about a particular situation which arose while reviewing some of my husbands new book acquisitions with him. He recently purchased several books from the library. The librarian gave him one extra book for free. It was written by a witch and teaches self-revelation by her magic, rituals, and observations of nature. (I read the front and back covers and perused the books for a few minutes.)
I asked him to get rid of the book. He refused and called me "closed-minded." I am actually open minded about comparative religions and have books from school about them. I do draw the line at anything that teaches magic or wikkan ritual. There is no place for that in a Christian home and it is not productive to the souls of the family. Even if the book is not read, there is a presence against my beliefs in my house. My children will one day have access to it. I tried to throw it out last night.
I removed it from the house this morning.
Please advise. I have this type of thing on my list of "deal-breakers." I never expected this from my husband. I know I need to stand my ground on this one. But I don't want to break greater things for lesser issues. (I have in my dating history a situation where I walked away from a good relationship because of a disagreement on the importance of religion and the existence of the Holy Spirit.)
I want to look at this as an opportunity for spiritual growth for both of us. Perhaps it will push us to a values clarification that we have yet to truly engage in.
Since I don't trust my crusader nature to help this situation get better; I thought I should ask for advice before I make matters worse.
Thank you in advance.
Answer: I respect and understand your point regarding "deal breakers." I also understand your apprehension in having this book in your home. Nevertheless, I am pleased you've decided to take a step back from this issue in order to find some additional perspective and perhaps a more balanced response.
Any strategy to resolve this issue that is reactive in nature, and is filled with ultimatums and inflexible boundaries, will only create distance, undermine oneness, and compromise trust and understanding. Rather than reacting in an attack mode (crusaders do this), pray until you find yourself in an approach mode. As you observed in your E-mail, the challenge you've described is indeed an "opportunity" for the two of you to draw closer to one another. Moreover, with God's help, He will assist you in drawing the line you want to draw in love.
Don't permit this issue to grow into something bigger than it is. The Evil One would delight in such an outcome. Embrace it in an effort to draw closer to our loving Father and each other.
Write me back if you desire more feedback or have additional questions.
You remain in my humble prayers,
Question: “Please forgive me for asking this question: In the Orthodox Faith, is oral sex a sin between a married couple?”
Answer: I suspect the answer to your question depends on who you ask. Since you've asked me, what follows are my observations and opinions.
I am glad you referred to this behavior as "oral sex." Unlike many in our society, I would label this behavior with the descriptor "sex."
There is no need to apologize for your question. It is a legitimate, honest question.
You should also know that when it comes to questions of intimacy. I take the position that clergy should stay out of a married couple's bedroom unless they are asking for counsel on specific sexual issues. I will also state, that a resolution to questions like the one you’ve inquired about should ultimately be based on a couple's prayer life and Christian conscience.
I believe that as long as the behavior you have inquired about - oral sex - does not make either partner uncomfortable, and so long as it enhances a couple's love making in a way that facilitates "oneness," I do not believe oral sex contradicts God's will nor does it debase a couple's marriage bed. However, when such behavior is not consensual and creates discomfort and couple conflict, I would advise such couples to refrain from including oral sex in their love life until they reach a more prayerful, mutually satisfying understanding.
I hope this helps.
Question: “I cannot thank you enough for the work you have done for the Archdiocese in regards to marriage guidance. I really enjoyed the new teaching guide “Journey of Marriage in the Orthodox Church” I found it very helpful – wish I had it 15 years ago. Unfortunately, both my husband and I have failed at our marriage. Looking back, we were both ignorant about what it takes to make a marriage work thinking it would just happen automatically. It also does not help that communication is a weakness for both of us. That said, our marriage problems go deeper than that. My husband has a gambling problem and a narcissistic personality, which I do not know how to deal with. I am a typical woman who just wanted to be loved and respected and cannot continue living like this. Is there any hope here? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Answer: Thank you for your supportive, kind words related to my work. I was pleased to read you found The Journey of Marriage helpful.
Regarding your question: "Is there any hope here?" The short answer is, yes, there is always hope. That is because we follow Christ. With that stated, and based on what you've written me, if there is hope for your marriage, I believe the following steps must occur.
If you have been enabling his dysfunctional behavior –the gambling - you need to stop. If necessary, seek some professional help. You must inform your husband that you believe he has some serious problems and he must agree to seek some help. If this step intimidates you, find one or two people to provide some moral support when you have this conversation with him.
During this conversation, your husband will be faced with the fact that he has some serious problems that require professional and spiritual help. He must face the fact that both he and you are powerless to resolve on your own. He must then commit to finding some professional help. You can help him find help, but he should do the lion's share of the work. I would suggest you consider Gamblers Anonymous as a start.
Once your husband is receiving treatment for his gambling and personality problems, I would then suggest that you both consider couple's counseling with a marriage friendly therapist. This will help you learn new ways of being with one another.
Concurrently, you should both seek out spiritual counseling. Research indicates that the types of issues you've described are resolved and managed when God's life changing, healing grace is centrally present during the change process.
If your husband is unwilling to assume responsibility for his behavior, and if he is unwilling to admit that he has some serious issues and problems tha are compromising his well-being, your well-being and marital satisfaction, then you should prayerfully consider meeting with your pastor to discuss your options - on option being divorce. At that point, your pastor will be able to provide further assistance. If needed, you can contact me again.
Question: Since we got married, we experienced problems in our relationship - essentially ferocious fighting that escalated beyond control. The sad reality is that we tried to find a priest who would counsel us. We were looking for a church to start going to regularly with an English speaking priest who would also serve as our confessor. We embraced the idea of leaning on God and the Church to help us through our struggles. We also tried a lot of couple's counseling, all for nothing.
I feel like we were incredibly let down. We approached some priests, via email or in person, but they were not very welcoming. A lot of them cited practical concerns (church doesn't have regular confession hours, priest is temporary, etc), and a few were completely aloof and did not care to follow up or to advise us.
I cannot understand how there is such a cry that the younger generation does not attend church, yet we were so unsuccessful in finding a welcoming parish. I also have no idea even at this point what resources exist for couples like us, or how, if they do exist, to access them, to help us. It might actually be too late, but I pray that it is not.
I do know you are the go-to guy for marriage. What resources are available? Is our option only to talk to a priest or are there marriage counselors available?
Answer: Thank you for your E-mail. I am sorry that both you and your husband are having serious marital problems. I will keep you both in my humble prayers.
Here are a few suggestions:
- If you desire, I am available for a phone consultation. Simply E-mail me and we can set up a time that is suitable for both of us.
- Do not be too hard on the priests who failed you. Clergy are not trained to deal with the types of issues and challenges you've described. As such, in some ways it may be a good thing that they didn't respond to your request for help. Chances are they might have done more damage.
- I agree with you. The church has a long way to go with regard to the marital and family issues and problems our faithful are struggling with these days. However, I must also say that we are trying and in some ways succeeding on a shoestring budget. What's needed is more funding of the type that could prepare a generation of marriage and family therapists and family scholars who are specially trained to address these types of problems.
- With regard to resources, please go to the Interfaith Marriage Web site -www.interfaith.goarch.org - especially the articles under the subsection on the sidebar entitled: Attending to Your Marriage. In addition to the material that is available on the Web site, I suggest you consider the resources I've listed below. Both books should prove helpful to you in your efforts to work through your marital problems.
Finally, don't hesitate to contact me again if you feel I can be of further help.
Question: Can one seek ordination to the Diaconate if he is married to a Roman Catholic Spouse? If it matters, the marriage was conducted in the Greek Orthodox Church. I have not found the answer to this, and have heard both opinions. Thank you for your time.
Answer: Clergy are held to higher standards than are lay people. As a result, the Orthodox Church's practice which permits our faithful to intermarry does not apply to clergy. According to Canon 14 from the fourth Ecumenical Council, men who are married to non-Orthodox spouses are prohibited from being ordained (Canon 14 of the 4th Ecumenical Council and its interpretations by Balsamon and Aristenos). This canon, along with others, seeks to preserve the high standards imposed upon those who are ordained and lead the faithful.
I hope this helps.